I’m upset

I figured myself to be a pretty desensitized person, especially after this job of having to sift through the strange shit people post on the internet. Boobies? Meh. Penises? Barely bat an eye. Barf on Dick. Yikes. Okay, but that one just made for a good story. This time around I clicked on one called “Shocking Video.” The thumbnail had part of a lady so I figured I’d have to watch enough glimpses of nudity to delete. You know, buffering was slow, and I skipped around a bit and waited for the video to load. Usually I click on something and then work on other things. When I looked back at the video, this lady looked like she was just playing with a kitten with her feet. Aw, cute. But then it started getting rougher and rougher, and there seemed to be some kind of blood next to it. Mind you, this lady was barefoot save for the heels she donned on her atrocity-committing feet. Then the fucking lady started stepping on the cat’s head, which was making me go “Oh My God!” because I figured the cat was alive, and what the fuck was she doing to it? But maybe it was dead, maybe that’s why she was doing this. It’s still sick, but I had hope she just stumbled across a dead cat to mess with. So I went back to the beginning of the clip and yes, the cat used to be alive, and was mewing and waving its paws around while she dug her heel into its body. Then that monster fucking dug a heel in one eye, and the other heel in the mouth and I can only imagine that was what did the cat in. I couldn’t watch it anymore. I’m still fucking upset. What the fuck kind of sickass monsters do this? Who dresses up a cute Asian woman in a dress and fancy heels only to have her torture a cat to death?? AHHH.

Short but sweet

I think I sprained my foot.

Yesterday, as I walking down the stairs of the house where I’ve lived for almost 20 years, I slipped and almost rolled most ungraciously the rest of the way down the stairs. Somehow during the fall, the last three toes of my right foot were bent in such a way as to cause me immense pain. DAMMIT. I rubbed my foot and went to bed thinking the pain would eventually go away.

No such luck. Why me?

Zephyr rocks, Chewy bites.

Even though he’s fat, stinky and gives me allergies, I looove Zephyr. He’s the sweetest dog with big, white paws and is a total love whore. Zephyr’s supposed to be about 15 pounds but in reality is 30+ and as a result he’s self-concious and awkward because his parents don’t love him as much. If he were proportionately human, he’d be a fag hag.

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Chewy, on the other hand, is an asshole with serious attitude. He struts around acting like the man when he’s really just a shitzu. Something about his testicles and the summer heat has made him more aggresively gay than John Travolta. He’s been humping Zephyr non-stop, mad dogged his dad, and when I leaned in for a hug tonight, the motherfucker bit me in the face.

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The saddest part is this isn’t the first time I’ve been bitten by a shitzu. Ju-li bit me in the nose, and another time some bull terrier freaked out and chipped my front tooth. Pitbull mauling here I come!

Brokeback Department

Now, I’m no expert, but let’s just say you’re a cowboy.  You’re a handsome, dashing cowboy of about 28.  You wear a cowboy hat and jeans and cowboy boots.  You also sport a giagantic belt buckle the size of my face.  Let’s talk about places I might see you.  Pretend this is a question on Family Feud.  Survey says:

1. Texas

2. The rodeo

3. Some American-themed restaurant of some kind.

4. A convention of People Who Like Dressing Like the Village People

5. A Village People concert.

Let’s talk about the places I should not see you:

1. Standing non-chalantly in my department in the middle of nowhere, Scotland.

See, again, I’m no expert, but when I come down the stairs in the Victorian-era building that houses the St Andrews English department, about to exit to a seascape punctuated by a castle and cathedral ruined in the sixteenth century, I do not expect a man to lock eyes with me, tip his hat, and ernestly say ‘Howdy’.  It throws me off.  Then I have to run away from you before I lose my shit and laugh in your face.

It makes me wonder, all this talk about gay cowboys, did the collective force of the female sexual frustration in this town conjure one out of thin air?  One who wants to do a higher degree in English literature?

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