Monthly Archives: December 2006

Beautiful spam poetry

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“Eva Longoria Fake”

Would, never committed suicide hard could.
Case youre week hasnt so.
Play skank card weve hadnear nipple.
Fake happy face ads your ad!
Find here it for youlaquo home, bottomless. Daughter dumped rap husband young fears.
Friday december seems be! Switch parent mia honey marriage director.
Touching after, jumpdamn love her more every day glad.
An album duets called, whole.
Evilbeet fangasm gabsmash gossap gossipin gossipist gossiplist, grins. Friends insist would never committed. Safety california rights are applicable.
Drugaddict rock although police say do any third involved. Eurovision contest itv source hollywood tunaposted.
Vegas weeks ago, into toilet minutes.
Cars interview terrible driver trying, maneuver parking spot, latest. Jolieanna lavignebai diazcanned tunacarmen duffjaime, krupajodie. Making up lost time, last couple years, shehas watched.
Character who falls fourth floormr blancos mother sheila teacher.
Lifeof course used records, topped charts twice flava you. Knowles elle magazine speaks bday. Scene before ambulance arrived. Related to we cant believe the academy snubbed openly.
But right enough news quoted.
Parked cars interview terrible driver. Gossipist gossiplist grins hipandpop! Berrypage joliehalle berryafter billy bob dont feel. Makeushot malibu ninjadude nosysnoop paparazzi plasmetic, popsugar rappy.
Federline relieved daughter dumped rap husband? Clothes read underwear company loves fact?
Space lyrictop recipes money web network.
Antics will come, bite toxic?
Dingorue disthis, dlisted ebelle evilbeet.
Post jordan peter andre.
Pete still awaiting answers awkward yearold cambridge graduate.

Cricket woes

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There’s been a cricket inside of my bathroom for nearly a week but I’m too chickenshit to investigate its exact wheareabouts. Every time I build up the courage to seek it out, it stops chirping, which is probably for the better since I have this fear that I’ll stick my head in the cabinet only to have the fucker leap in my face which would result in all sorts of screaming and wood chips in my skull. Anyway, the best thing for me to do is probably to wait until it dies and let the ant trail lead me to the carcass. With my luck, it’ll probably die in the tampon box, so I’ll give an update in a month or so.

Bathmats and barfing

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What is it about a bathmat that makes it a perfect target for vomit? Is it the little tufts of yarn that scream out, “Spew on me, I’m inpossible to clean!” or the fact that they tend to be positioned within close proximity to the toilet, the logical place to yak? I ask this because for some reason, there are no bathmats left in this apartment, despite having started out with at least three when I moved in.

Victim #1
You were pale blue, filthy, flattened by wet feet, and got caught on the door stop. Your position in front of the toilet/next to the tub/in front of the door made for disgustingly wet surprises at any given time of the day. I disliked you and avoided stepping at you, but you served somewhat of a purpose, you absorbed the blow of Jacob’s barf and quietly disappeared.

Victim #2
I liked you because you were fobby and had sheep on you. You survived my first college apartment, my post-college apartment, and I liked you so much that I made room for you in my “I’m not in college but my apartment screams out ‘college’” apartment. I was saddened when you fell victim to Jackie’s binge drinking of Bud Light, and saw my sheep mat get stuffed into a plastic bag which sat on the porch for weeks before finally getting thrown out. I won’t forget you, namely because your rubber underside is still stuck to several tiles of our bathroom floor.

Victim #3
You were definitely my favorite – red, fluffy, and safe from bathroom filth. I thought you’d be a survivor and even considered sacrificing you by bringing you from the kitchen to the bathroom. Looking back, I wish I had. Alas, you too have joined bathmat heaven as you died when our kitchen sink backed up and threw up after the upstairs neighbors clogged their disposal with Thanksgiving grease. This caused filthy water to fill up the sink, spread over the counters, and drip onto the floors, carpets, and your might red self where it sat and grew mold over the course of several days while we were out of town, foolishly thinking our bathmats were out of harm’s reach.

For all you would be barfers out there, PLEASE, aim anywhere but down there, for there is much to be mourned in a bathmatless bathroom, especially when your roommate refuses to towel off after showering thereby leaving hazardous puddles (with loose strands of hair) on the sadly barren floors.