Botulism, Ahoy!
So, I’m sitting at my desk, installing TurboTax (give me a break, I have 2 weeks), listening to Melinda Doolittle (!!!), and trying my hardest not to die.
Knew those fucking cheese crackers with peanut butter were a bad idea.
I don’t know if you’ve ever had botulism, but lemme tell you… it’s no fucking joke. As a point of reference, it’s very akin to getting salmonella. (As Grace will likely, and so helpfully point out, she’s been privy to my Salmonella Debacle of 2005.) Nothing in your body wants to work, your digestive system has shut down, and your excretory system (gross) decides that it’s time to go on holiday, so nothing gets processed. Not in your kidneys, not in your liver, not in your small-fucking-intestines. To spare you a lot of the gory details, you remember in The Matrix when Neo first came out of the network and vommed gray matter all over the deck of the Nebuchadnezzar? That’s pretty much what I feel like.
I’ve been a very good boy all weekend. Went to a pillow-fight in Union Square. Worked on my Columbia App. Threw away another 20% of my remaining possessions. Digitized another 8% of my life. Ordered groceries. Then when I have the one lapse in judgment, (I was hungry), and decide to snack on some sketchy cheese crackers with peanut butter of unknown origin that I’ve found in the pantry, God gives me botulism.
Go figure.
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ummm…. i’m afraid to admit that maybe those sketchy cheese crackers came from my grandparents’ house. and maybe the first thing i did when i got home was check the expiration date. i’m happy to report that they don’t expire until august of 2008, though.