See, this is the reason I don’t like to admit that I’m a hockey fan.

This past week, as the Stanley Cup Playoffs have begun, and Sharks gave a very generous freebie to the Flames, (them Flames is gonna be CHOMPED tonite, them is), I seem to have caught a significant amount of flak from my colleagues. Not flak in the professional, ‘Oh, you shouldn’t be talking about Black People/Gay People/Hindu People/Arctic-Americans like that’, kind of way, but more in the ‘let-me-make-fun-of-you-until-all-you-can-think-of-is-regressing-to-infancy
-so-you-can-suck-on-your-momma’s-teat’ kind of way.

Por ejemplo:

Dennis: {Blah blah blah, something super-endearingly nerdy about Jonathan Cheechoo.}
Unnamed, VERY MEAN Co-worker: You know… when you talk about hockey, it doesn’t make you sound butch. It makes you sound desperate.
Dennis: Gasp! (I actually say ‘Gasp!’ here.) Well I never.
UVMC: No, but serious, what’s a gaywad like you talking about hockey? Can you even spell ‘hockey’??
Dennis: That is so totally unfair. I come from a hockey town! Besides, I have every right to talk about hockey. You’ve all been talking that motherfucking Bracket Tournament for, like, the whole month of March.
UVMC: You know it’s not called that, right?
Dennis: What’s called what?
UVMC: The Bracket Tournament. It’s March Madness. The NCAA Basketball Tournament. It’s a big deal. The brackets just refer to the betting that goes on. You filled one out. You guessed that Oral Roberts was going to take the title.
Dennis: Shut UP! I did?? Are there any hockey brackets in the office that I can get in on? I know I’d win that one.
UVMC: No. Nobody likes hockey, except you, you idiot.Dennis: Stop it! Don’t say that.
UVMC: It’s true. And I think it’s weird that you do. It’s like watching a porpoise nursing a seal pup.
Dennis: That’s not fair! I’m very knowledgeable about it.
UVMC: That actually runs parallel to my point. Part of the reason that I think it’s weird you love hockey so much is because you talk about it like a fat kid talks about cake, or a Star Trek geek talks about Star Trek. And it really freaks me out when you physically try and block burly Rangers fans trying to get to the Garden after work. It’s really uncomfortable.
Dennis: You’ve gotta concede, it’s a great sport to watch, on TV or live! I think that’s why I get so into it. And what’s so wrong with that? Our office was full of pranks, shit-talking, and pounds and pounds of nerdery. You yourself were included in that bunch.
UVMC: That’s because I come from an actual sports town, with actual sports franchises. You come from San Jose.
Dennis: That’s exactly my point! I have no other choices! What, am I supposed to extol the virtues of our incredible Lacrosse Team?? Besides, just because you’re from {Unnamed Elitist New England Stupid Chowdahead Town with Superior Sports Teams}, doesn’t mean your hockey team isn’t sucking this year.
UVMC: Oh GOD, will you SHUT UP about the hockey already?? And the {Unnamed Ursine Hockey Team from Said Superior Sports Town} are sixth seeded.
Dennis: Let’s agree to disagree.
UVMC: I hate you and everything you stand for. If hear you say one more thing about hockey, I’m throwing a stapler at your head. HR won’t complain to me, in fact, they’ll probably give me an award for employee of the motherfucking year for shutting you and your stupid! (Throws paperclip at me.) MOTHERFUCKING!! (Another paperclip.) HOCKEY!!! (Another, full force.)
Dennis: (Sighs) (Pause) Can I talk about the goal of one day becoming a hockey husband?
UVMC: (Throws stapler.)

Now, that stapler really hurt, you guys. But no worries. It’s just my pride.