Baltimore scared me
Tonight, Baltimore scared the shit out of me not because of the creepy people roaming the trash-filled streets at night, not because of the squalor portrayed in The Wire, but because some insane beetle decided out of nowhere to fly into the room I’m staying in, hover towards the lamp while loudly buzzing it’s creepyass beetle buzz. It started to go towards my laptop so I jumped out of bed, looked around at all the things I couldn’t hit it with, and grabbed Interview magazine out of my backpack to roll into a swatter. The beetle started gaining momentum as it seemed to reenergize in the light so I panicked and whapped the beetle with the magazine towards the desk. Too scared to check on it immediately, I heard some slight ticking before it went silent enough for me to tell Abe I almost crapped my pants. He suggested I continue my search for the beetle, I calmed down a bit, looked under the desk and saw/heard nothing. Figuring it finally died after my mortally-wounding blow, I got back on the bed with the intention to Sad-Sigh how crazy I must have looked (the blinds are open) when I leapt out of bed doing my best not to scream the way I scream when things fly at me.
So I sat in bed, Indian style, put the laptop back on my lap, and out of the corner of my eye saw the beetle limping its way across the bed towards my leg. I nearly threw my laptop out the window. Again, I stifled another scream and went into ridiculous mode as I thought of how I could destroy the bug without waking anyone up. I couldn’t smash it with the magazine on the bed, because that would get beetle bits stuck in the fleece throw. I grabbed a plastic bag and pretended I was brave enough to grab at it with my plastic bagged hand, and decided I was too chicken shit in case the fucker crawled out or flew at me again. Ultimately I ended up swiping at it with the magazine to get it off the bed - it took me three or four times to successfully knock it off, right into a bookshelf with a bag sitting next to it. Just my luck to have to start the search for the beetle once again. “Luckily” it was crawling on the right side of the bag, so I was able to knock it down again onto the carpet. Again, I didn’t want to smash the bug into the carpet, and by this point my hand started sweating in the plastic bag (I don’t know why I didn’t take it off).
I started scanning again for something to destroy the beetle with and found some packing tape on the bookshelf. After ripping off a piece I held in a squeal and stuck the tape on the beetle and could hear its legs moving against it. I carefully lifted the tape just in case the beetle was not securely attached to it and wanted to make a run for me. It was stuck, furiously moving its legs while stuck on its back. The next step involved taping the tape to itself, beetle in the middle which just seemed rude as shit to do. Then I put it on the desk and used my water glass to smash it in the little tape pocket and cringed at the crunch as I put an end to the systematic torture of a beetle that flew into the wrong room at the wrong time.
If you enjoyed this post, please consider to leave a comment or subscribe to the feed and get future articles delivered to your feed reader.
Jeezus. You’re a one-woman Gitmo. These are your ginabugs getting revenge, you sick bastard.