Author Archives: Dennis

About Dennis

Dennis eats babies. He then pulls them directly out of his belly and puts them back together, like an erector set. He then gives them to Grace. Who eats them.

Sad.Sigh Down Under – Parts 1, 2 and 3

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Yay!  Blogging from afar!  (G – we need a Sad.Sigh Abroad category.)

11.15.08 – NYC, Somewhere over the Pacific Ocean.

But first, a small tangent.  So, prior to my departure from JFK to SYD, I’d received a text message from my Magic Phone Panel telling me that they were disbanding the panel immediately, and that my phone service would be shut off on November 20th and that I would have to switch my service to an account of my own name, or be faced with account termination.  (I love when they use such mean, forceful language.  It makes me feel like I’m being abused, and I like that.)  So, Friday night at 11:30pm, as I’m sexing up my boyf, (in this case, sexing up = watching Ugly Betty), I get another text message and e-mail with instructions on how to switch my account over.  I was relieved at this, as I thought they weren’t going to get it to me in time before I left for the wonders of Down Under, (I promise this will be the 8th to last time that I use the phrase ‘Down Under’).  However, it turns out that, because I tried calling on Saturday, and my account was solely handled by AT&T’s Small Business Unit, I couldn’t get anyone to make the switch for me.  I tried their main number, I tried the number that was supplied to me by Magic Phone Panel, Inc., I tried a corporate store, I tried the main Transfer of Service line.  All to no avail.  Perhaps it’s time for me to try switching to a different provider?  The stupid fucking lowdown is that I’m going to have to stupid fucking do the whole transfer from Australia, and negotiate the dumass time differential, which is complicated for me, because I’m dumb.  Feel sorry for me.  Tangent done. Continue reading →

A Kiwi I Am!

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Okay folks.  I’m on hiatus.

But not really.  I’ll be gone for 3 weeks, traipsing my hot ass all over Australia and New Zealand.  Given my penchant for hot accents, my boyf’s permission to go about kissing Antipodean strangers, (seriously B, what were you thinking??), my terrifying fear of long flights, (my stupid fucking direct flight from JFK to Sydney is 22-and-a-half-hours!  Makes me wanna die!), and my lack of tact, I’m sure something SadSigh worthy will come up, so I’ll be using this blog as a staging platform from abroad to fill my useless friends in on what is going on.  Check back, often!  (If only to drive our ad revenue up.)

Oh, and since my hot ass will be missing for several weeks, you should all know that I still hate you in the interim.

Much love,

Chinese.

More like POOPOSITION 8! Am I right? Am I right??

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This is an excerpt of a comment by fellow Sad-Sigher, the Caridean, re: Grace’s stupid homosexual post.

Comment by Kristin on November 6, 2008 @ 3:55 pm

Sad Sigh blog’s official position on gay marriage: Life is sad enough. Don’t make it bigoted too.

Second official position on gay marriage: We like gays to be happy and lift us up. Sad gays do not lift.

Well… here’s the thing.  It’s not so much that we Sad Gays aren’t able to lift you folks because we’re not allowed to get married, (although we aren’t… to both).  It’s more that we haven’t been going to the gym, and we’ve been stress eating cupcakes and copious amounts of Fage, because of a certain election that just happened.

However, now that the election is over, the gym is calling.  Give us a couple of weeks, and we’ll be back to <3% body fat, biceps like hungry pythons, and looking at each other in the steam room.  The latter is already beginning! Continue reading →

The Wisdom of Janitors.

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Proof that I don’t know anything about anything?

Our custodian at work, Tyrone, a 35-year old Jamaican man, and I had the following conversation the other day about the tanking economy*:

DT: Hey Tyrone, how’s it going?

Tyrone: Ayrie, not too good, not too good.

DT:  Sorry to hear that.

Tyrone: You know, I checked me Money Market deother day.  It’s next to no’ting!

DT:  Tell me about it.  Wait… you have a Money Market account?

Tyrone: Who do you think I are, man?  Dis economy is just tanking.  Housing prices, investment banking… Ting is, Paulson and the Treasury needs to get deyr act together.  Dey need to regulate, dey need oversight.  I tink Mayor Mike should be Secretary of de Treasury.  You know, I are just about ready to go back to the old days, where de toughest choice was picking which banana tree to hide your money under.

DT: (Stunned silence.)

*Jamaican slang added for emphasis and stereotyping.  Everything else he actually said, including the banana tree comment.