Category Archives: Creepy As Fuck

Another delightful cultural difference

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[In the gulag that St Andrews has deemed appropriate for student housing, a young female, age 23, enters a small dorm room. She is disgusted]

Kristin: There is something I have never seen before in our bathroom. (Shivering). It is, like, a huge lizard-head with wings.

Sarah: I don’t want to look at that!

Kristin: No, go look, go look!

[The two girls go look in the bathroom. SARAH shivers as well]

Sarah: That is -

Kristin: A big lizard-head with wings?!?

Sarah: The biggest moth I’ve ever seen.

Kristin: What do we do?!?! Can we suck it up with a vacuum cleaner?

Sarah: Maybe it’ll, er, go somewhere when the sun comes up.  Let’s hope.
[They continue to stare]

Kristin: Why. Why. Why why why?

Sarah: Dear Scotland, please invent the screen. Love, Sarah and Kristin

***

I am told by my British friends that screens are unheard of here. Now, granted there are only like 4 days of summer in Scotland (though, hell, it’s been damn hot in England I hear), but still, you’d think they’d at least outfit the houses not a hundred years old with screens. They’re so useful. You can open your windows so you don’t die on the 4 days when it is warm and allow the night breeze to come into your room and keep the GIANT LIZARD-HEADS WITH WINGS OUT.

Ahem.

I don’t much care for bugs.

Brokeback Department

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Now, I’m no expert, but let’s just say you’re a cowboy.  You’re a handsome, dashing cowboy of about 28.  You wear a cowboy hat and jeans and cowboy boots.  You also sport a giagantic belt buckle the size of my face.  Let’s talk about places I might see you.  Pretend this is a question on Family Feud.  Survey says:

1. Texas

2. The rodeo

3. Some American-themed restaurant of some kind.

4. A convention of People Who Like Dressing Like the Village People

5. A Village People concert.

Let’s talk about the places I should not see you:

1. Standing non-chalantly in my department in the middle of nowhere, Scotland.

See, again, I’m no expert, but when I come down the stairs in the Victorian-era building that houses the St Andrews English department, about to exit to a seascape punctuated by a castle and cathedral ruined in the sixteenth century, I do not expect a man to lock eyes with me, tip his hat, and ernestly say ‘Howdy’.  It throws me off.  Then I have to run away from you before I lose my shit and laugh in your face.

It makes me wonder, all this talk about gay cowboys, did the collective force of the female sexual frustration in this town conjure one out of thin air?  One who wants to do a higher degree in English literature?

 

Sinister Drive

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Last night I slept at 5am and then churned through a grueling 11 hours of work. By the time I got into my car for the drive home I was pretty knackered. Now, when I’m tired, I do my best not to zone out on the freeway, because freeway zoning out equals Grace getting decapitated by her awkward seatbelt.
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