Category Archives: Decrepit

Even my body hates me (or, ESPECIALLY my body hates me)

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Last week I went to the doctor, all wheezy from some asthma caused by seasonal allergies. Thinking I’d just get prescribed another inhaler, I told the doctor the issue, she listened to my breathing, and then freaked the hell out and put me on a steroidal medication to try and get the inflamation in my bronchial tubes down.

So, I guess it was worse than I thought. Oops. The unfortunate side-effect of said medication is that it compromises my immune system in a major, horrifying way, apparently. I did not realize this until Friday night a mosquito decided to make its home in my bed, eating me up. Well, okay, no big deal. Until! Yesterday I woke up for 4 infected bug bites, an infected eye, and a whole host of other horrifying problems that I don’t care to detail here (because they are FEMALE in nature and Grace is worried about what kind of ads that would generate).

Now let me state for the record that I am VAIN. I also routinely wear 3 different kinds of eyeliner. So this having to go to work with no makeup on covered in red welts like some kind of horrifying troll isn’t sitting well with me and I kind of feel like going home, crawling into a hole and dying.

On top of all that, I’m super-stressed at work, and as a consequence to THAT my jaw popped out of place after I spent all night clenching it. So now I can’t eat, my eye is swollen shut and I’m covered in infected bug bites and I’m not even wearing any makeup, which makes the rest of it 1,000x worse.

Elizabeth (NJ) was rude to me.

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ELIZABETH!!!!

I went to IKEA last week. In Elizabeth – Craphole of the United States. Seriously. Imagine every rotting, mosquito and capo-corpse-infested, methane gas-filled, dead-souled swamp you’ve ever been to. That’s what Elizabeth is like.

There’s an IKEA there! It’s pretty much the only reason to go (besides, you know, Newark International Airport). It was the first IKEA in the NY Metro area, (and maybe the first in the US?), and it is fucking monstrous.

I had the (great) pleasure of accompanying two very well-dressed and pleasant young men last Sunday to Elizabeth (in a Zipcar, nonetheless!) to purchase furniture, tealights, and other nonessential essentials.  Granted, I should have known better than to go to IKEA on a Sunday.  Especially in Jersey.  But what choice did I have??  Two well-dressed and pleasant young men!  Plus, the opportunity for meatballs.  Mmm… lingonberries. Continue reading →

Going Paperless, and the Ensuing Consequences

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I recently vowed to myself that I would begin the long and arduous task of going paperless. I’ve already been paying all of my bills online for the last 3 years, my taxes, and all tax-related documents are contained on my computer (have I revealed too much?), and the only paper mail I receive are The New York Times and Entertainment Weekly. (Those two being the obvious paper exceptions to my rule. No, but seriously. You can’t ask me to stop those.) After I vowed that my next major purchase would be a Kindle (Yeah, right. Who are you kidding?), I decided that it was time to tackle my archived photos.

Now, Facebook has revolutionized the way I see photographs. I consider myself a relatively adept photographer, especially given my shitty, shitty camera. The thing is, I’ve never actively taken photos before Facebook, because I didn’t have an efficient way to store, catalog, and share photos, without having to wrestle with Snapfish, or, horror, KodakGallery. (Remember, this is before digital cameras were surgically attached to our hips.) And because of this aversion to the process of sharing photos, I almost stopped taking them altogether.

Well… now I have the opposite problem. The few pictures that I have taken, (those that you’ll see range from 1998 to 2004), have just been sitting in a box by my desk for years and years, collecting dust and bedbugs. Speaking of bedbugs, as I was undergoing my massive bedbug purge of Aught-Eight, I thought to myself: ‘I need to throw everything that I own out. Even the memories. I should digitize everything I own. I should digitize that fucking box of photos.’

So here I am, digitizing 5 years worth of photos. It’s going surprisingly quickly. I’m writing this post to personally apologize to every single person who is contained within these photos. We are excused for how we look in recent photos because of the fashion du jour, or a bad angle, or illness – all things that we know are true because we just saw you in real life, like 20 seconds ago. However, when you start heading into pictures from the past; 4 years ago, 6 years ago, 10 motherfucking years ago, you no longer have the oh-so-forgiving barrier of recent memory to whitewash your sartorial sins. I heartily include myself in this bunch. We were truly Sad!-worthy, and most definitely *sigh*-worthy.
So that is my explanation of how and why so many pictures from our (haunted) pasts have surfaced on that Book of Face, and the greater Web of Inter. Again, I apologize. You should absolutely feel free to untag yourself, but know that I put the pictures up for posterity, and for my own edification of personal history.

Enjoy!

Back with a Vengance.

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So… lo and behold, I get a call from Grace the other day. This is the conversation I had in my head before picking up the phone:

‘WTF?? Grace never calls me. This must be something Sad. Sigh. related. Or else she’s getting me back for vomiting all over myself the last time she was here. Whatever, it’s not like that’s new. I vomit all over myself every time she’s in town. She’s a bitch. Whoops! I missed her call.’

24 minutes later – after calling her back, talking smack, shouting gibberish phrases at each other, and causing her to crash her Mazda Miata into the divider on the 405 (she was going 2 miles an hour)…

‘That Grace sure is a nice girl. But how predictable of her to make me sign back up for that asshole of a site. I don’t blog, friends. I Facebook.’

Well look here! I’ve discovered how to do both! And it only took me about an hour to figure out how the goddamned RSS thingy worked. Wow. I’ve never felt so technologically inept before. I always considered myself rather good with keyboards, cellphones, remote controls, and those digital thingies… what do they call them? Internets? Lo and Behold, I am now my Mom of the new blogger generation.

Sad. Sigh.