Even though he’s fat, stinky and gives me allergies, I looove Zephyr. He’s the sweetest dog with big, white paws and is a total love whore. Zephyr’s supposed to be about 15 pounds but in reality is 30+ and as a result he’s self-concious and awkward because his parents don’t love him as much. If he were proportionately human, he’d be a fag hag.

Chewy, on the other hand, is an asshole with serious attitude. He struts around acting like the man when he’s really just a shitzu. Something about his testicles and the summer heat has made him more aggresively gay than John Travolta. He’s been humping Zephyr non-stop, mad dogged his dad, and when I leaned in for a hug tonight, the motherfucker bit me in the face.

The saddest part is this isn’t the first time I’ve been bitten by a shitzu. Ju-li bit me in the nose, and another time some bull terrier freaked out and chipped my front tooth. Pitbull mauling here I come!