Category Archives: Rude As Shit

Baltimore scared me

Posted on by
2

Tonight, Baltimore scared the shit out of me not because of the creepy people roaming the trash-filled streets at night, not because of the squalor portrayed in The Wire, but because some insane beetle decided out of nowhere to fly into the room I’m staying in, hover towards the lamp while loudly buzzing it’s creepyass beetle buzz. It started to go towards my laptop so I jumped out of bed, looked around at all the things I couldn’t hit it with, and grabbed Interview magazine out of my backpack to roll into a swatter. The beetle started gaining momentum as it seemed to reenergize in the light so I panicked and whapped the beetle with the magazine towards the desk. Too scared to check on it immediately, I heard some slight ticking before it went silent enough for me to tell Abe I almost crapped my pants. He suggested I continue my search for the beetle, I calmed down a bit, looked under the desk and saw/heard nothing. Figuring it finally died after my mortally-wounding blow, I got back on the bed with the intention to Sad-Sigh how crazy I must have looked (the blinds are open) when I leapt out of bed doing my best not to scream the way I scream when things fly at me.
Continue reading →

Sassed on the street by a stranger

Posted on by
2

I was walking past a gas station with Lesley in Brooklyn trying not to make eye contact with a man sitting in an awkwardly parked van when I heard someone say something to my left.

By instinct, I turned around only to see a man pumping gas before realizing he had said, “That’s sexy.”

Of course when I turned around, he must have thought I thought he was talking about me, so he made sure to tell me, “Not you. The other one. She’s got a bigger chest.”

Which is true. By far. You heard it here first.

A txt msg convo

Posted on by
3

Sad-Sigh fanbase – all 6 of you – Let me transcribe for you guys a text message conversation I had with my roommate, the illustrious J. Lopez this weekend.  Please note that I received the first message shortly after she arrived in West Palm Beach for vacation.

J: Fractured foot.  Have cast.  Spent my day in the hospital.  Woohoo

D: NO.

D: You in fla?

J: Yeah.  But Broke it in new York and sucked it up til I got here.

D: Omg!  How??  Your parents w you?

J: Stepping off the bus at lga.  Felt it pop and almost passed out.  I was alone but now am with my grandparents. Continue reading →

Struck by shower head

Posted on by
1

I have a love hate relationship with my shower at home. I love to hate it. Wah wah. There is no such thing as “jumping into the shower” at my place unless you’re looking to get doused with either freezing water or scalding water. Adjusting it is a fine art I have not learned despite having used it for 2.5 years by this point. I have figured out that only turning on the hot water takes several minutes to yield hot water. At that point, the cold water has to be cranked on, and the hot water has to be cranked down. Too many twists in either direction results in waiting uncomfortably out of the water’s reach while the temperature adjusts itself. One might think this method is a waste of water. Luckily, there is absolutely no water pressure so if it’s even possible to get a decent temperature going, one much patiently hang out under the dribble of water waiting for enough water to work up a lather and then more to rinse it out.

I had toyed with the notion of replacing the shower head, because that worked for Daniel. When I looked at the shower head, I once again remembered it was a newer, fancier model, and it did nothing to fix the water pressure. I then decided to hold onto the hose, I’m not sure why, maybe to cry out in anguish about the slightly too hot water, but mostly to see if I could even feel the water rushing through it. I couldn’t, and that’s when it happened. The shower head worked out of the holder, and before I could block it went THWUMP! and fell all top heavy directly onto my shoulder. I was surprised by how much it hurt, but I guess my already weakened emotional status could not handle the blunt force trauma. Immediately I thought about posting it to Sad-Sigh, then I forgot until I scratched my shoulder and felt the invisible bruise.

Watch the smell…

Posted on by
2

I had the worst headache at work, and was spotted continually rubbing my neck while on a video conference call with my co-worker now based in NY (damn those web cams). So, I ran over a few blocks away to Bed Bath & Beyond to get some tylenol. Some areas of SOMA are actually a bit sketchy, and there was a guy with a bucket splashing water from a puddle all over the place but I couldn’t be bothered as I was on a mission. But as I walked by he politely said “watch the smell! someone went to the bathroom… disgusting!” And he was right. It reeked of human shit, piled high in the gutter and somewhat smeared on the tire of a truck. I was already feeling nauseous because of my headache, but this just about made me puke right there. Morettis are known to have weak stomachs. But I kept thinking what a nice guy, warning me about the upcoming smell and taking the liberty to wash away the human fecal matter with rain water and a bucket. But it seemed so odd it make me think what the hell was going on. Was it him that took the shit? Then I thought about the person who owned the truck. Could you imagine coming back to your car and feeling crazy because you swear you smell shit nearby, and swear that there’s watering down shit smeared on your tire, but no clear evidence confirming these suspicions… Just writing this post makes me gag a little bit.