Category Archives: Rude As Shit

Jerks.

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To whom it may concern:

I find it disconcerting that I take the time and energy, after a severe amount of writer’s block, and a rare lack of personal time caused by excessive dating, that the people who begged me to write 4 posts in one day, who shall remain nameless, do not care to comment on said posts.  I view this as a slight against my character, and a violation of my rights as a blogger.  Since it is late, and I am tired, please visit here for the dressing down that you so truly deserve.

My apologies to my roommate for recycling some material.

You’re all douches.

Sincerely,

DT

Maternal nagging at its best

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I looked over my finances today and declared to my mom that I had saved up enough money to go traveling to which she responded, “Yes, but that’s not enough for a down payment on a house.” I gave my usual response of, “Buy me a house in New York” and she said her usual, “Why always New York, just get a place in California” and then added something new, “You’re not meant for New York, you’re a Californian.”

In response, I strangled my mom, slowly adding more pressure around her neck, causing her to curse at me in Chinese. Then she lifted her arm up to my neck and put her hand around it in what I thought was an attempt to choke me back before she gasped out, “Quit…making…a…double…chin.”

Even in her “last moments” she couldn’t even give me any peace and had to have the last insult. So fitting, and when I yelled at her about what she had just done, she just laughed and laughed.

More Reasons to Keep My Damn Mouth Shut

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I spent a long, long day at Bumbershoot, Seattle’s excellent arts, comedy and music festival, where we saw many, many excellent bands.  My friend EZ and I had decided to see the guys from Human Giant as our comedy selection, but it turned out David Cross was a surprise addition to the comedy lineup. David Cross rules, so we got passes for the show. David Cross, in case you were unaware of this, is dating Amber Tamblyn, who recently was in that movie about magical pants.

Walking across one of the lawns toward to Intiman Theatre, I joked to EZ, “Hey, maybe we will see Amber Tamblyn.”

“Yeah,” said EZ, “We can tell her how much we loved her pants movie. Or we can just be rude and yell PANTS at her.” We had a good laugh. Why would Amber Tamblyn take time off from her busy pants-promoting schedule to come to lil’ ol’ Seattle?

We get settled in our seats and guess who sits directly behind us in the tiny theater.

Yeah.  Amber Tamblyn.

Obviously, I am awesome!  What I say happens!  I am like God and all the infinite possibilities of the world are open to me!

So what do you think happened later when, sitting on the lawn watching the patently awful Saul Williams, I flinched as a seagull flew too low?

“Why are you so scared of them?”  EZ asked.

“I’m afraid one will shit on me,” I explained.

Two seconds later, I had a big ol’ bird shit on the leg of my jeans.

Sigh.

Do NOT Sad.Sigh this.

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A Text Message Conversation:

Grace: How much would it take for you to run your tongue around in phelps’ mouf?

Dennis: A lot.  But I might lick his outie for free.  Do NOT sadsigh this.

Grace: Do you think if yuo licked the roof of his mouth you could feel both sides of his teeth?

Dennis: Yes.

Well, there goes me breaking my own rule.