Category Archives: Trashy

Stay-in-Bed Lady/Baby

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After a couple weeks of being a devoted stay-in-bed lady I started getting out of the house more, walking to places, or going on mini food excursions to occupy my time. However, I was inspired to start a new site so I poured some time into it last night and again this morning (right before lunch). My dad of course has witnessed the daytime dwelling but my mom has generally been busy and out of the apartment. So, on a weekend, this new surge of staying in bed caused her to comment on my laziness and need to get up and do things. She brought lunch to my room, which I ate from my bed, took the bowl out, and brought back more food. Shameful, I know. Then around 3pm before she headed out to go dancing (proof that my parents are more active than me) she came into my room and handed me a banana saying “It’s how you like it” because I refuse to eat overly ripe bananas.

“I’m not a baby!” I exclaimed from bed.

“That’s right you’re not a baby, you’re a disability,” she replied, walking out of my room.

The saddest part was I had started to feel hungry and wanted to venture out to grab a snack but was too preoccupied reading SEO secrets. But my mom anticipated this, as any good mother of a lazily-disabled lady baby would. And like any proud lady would do, I waited until my parents left the house before peeling and eating the banana.

Financial Crisis!

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Last night I actually kissed a piece of mail for the first time.

I got my check for my 2nd job.  It was 5 days late.  I kissed it because I had been freaking out all week.  I don’t get paid until next Wednesday and I had $30 in my bank account and no food.  There was going to be A LOT of ramen and mac and cheese going on over the weekend.

But then!  The check!  It showed up!  I kissed it!

It was for $100.  Yes, $100 will get me that excited.  Sigh.  All of this makes me think I should just go into the venerable practice of whoring.  Because, you know, there are perks to being all cash money all the time.

Like my body?

Pedophilia: Hilarious!

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So, you remember the dude who dumped me who I wasn’t really dating at the time?

Now we are dating for reals. He is 11.5 years older than me, no lie, but he’s a nice guy so whatever. Age ain’t nothin’ but a number, right, or so said the late, great, Aaliyah?

Wrong.

It’s a little creepy when your new boyfriend starts referring to you as “the 7 year old [he] took to the prom.” As in, this is his idea of a laugh riot. But it’s not mine.

Drunk happens

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Sometimes you end up DDing your drunkass friends back from Long Beach and when you park, you find this:

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Thank god for StrongCannon who, despite the shock of seeing “jingle jangles”, managed to pull Harp out of my car and into the backseat of a Kia where he remained passed out, ass in the air, until he woke up sweating from the hot, Mexican sun, and called me at 10:30am to ask how the hell he ended up sleeping in a car overnight.

I have yet to hire a forensics team to examine the integrity of my poor Prius for signs of being “harp’d.”